Tuesday, December 21, 2010

The Mortician

The Mortician

Have you undertaken to prepare for your death
The Mortician has been preparing for your arrival since birth
Doctors prepped you long ago with the first vaccination
They then primed you with all the subsequent needles

Fast Food was your first introduction into the edible cornucopia of toxic crap
The filler for that grub is immersed in NH3 to make it colourless
The remains of the ammonia clean the toilet bowl when you take a piss
Sugar coated candy makes the pee smell good when it drips inside your pants

Soon enough your instinctual and primitive desires flourished
A fag was your first attempt at killing your lungs
A little bit of controlled moonshine helped camouflage the smell of smoke
A chemical composition of equine remains freshened the bad breath

At twenty one you were formally pickled
A big pecker meant that you had had one too many Big Mac’s
Big breasts were the by-product of one too many hard boiled eggs
A big mouth meant you were going to be in trouble with the hookers

The working years were great
This was your initiation into Genetically Modified Foods
Broccoli became “broccules”
Gourds became “gourgantuan”

By the time you were thirty the doctor recommended the first blood pressure meds
When turning forty he suggested something for the high cholesterol
Somewhere along the way the thyroid departed and a new hormone came into play
When you turned fifty Viagra made the pecker perform on cue

By now you had been prepped, primed and pickled
That means you were ready for the vacuum hose to go up your ass
You were also ready for tubular plastic to go down your oesophagus, and
By now they knew your bank balance and favourite casket colour

Long ago they embalmed corpses with formaldehyde
CH2O is a known carcinogen so they wanted to make sure you were really dead
Today they pre-embalm you with a global sprinkling of Corexit
When they stick you six feet under, you disperse the pool of oil for the devils.

Thank you,
Joseph Pede

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