The Queen and the Drones – Special Security Brief
Andrew, Duke of York: Mommy, mommy they have killed my best friend’s brother!
Queen Elizabeth: Andrew, how many times have I told you, no Arab friends!
Queen’s Secretary: Mamm, Prime Minister Cameron is on the phone.
Prime Minister Cameron: Good morning your highness. Very good news, we have killed one of Moammar’s sons and his children. This should infuriate Putin, that Napoleonic Russian pip-squeet. You must be very happy?
Queen Elizabeth: Yes, David, well done. Hopefully, this event will stimulate more friction so we can address the growing number of useless drones. Was the wedding not grand David? The bombing was a perfect sacrifice for young Wilhem’s wedding. You know David, Phillip’s suspenders blew when he heard the good news.
Prime Minister Cameron: I have dialled Obama, Mamm. I wanted to acknowledge his good work. You know he is under great stress. The drones are becoming wise as to his identity. Sarkozy was in the middle of a “ménage a trois” when I called so I left a message for him on your behalf, “keep a stiff upper lip Nicolas”. Berlusconi as usual could not be found, but I did express our sincerest gratitude by sending him a Vestal Virgin from the Masonic pool inventory.
Queen Elizabeth: Well done David. David, please don’t spend too much time with that coloured man. Please call George Bush directly. How is Stephen doing in Canada? You know I had prepared a garter and knighthood for him. He would make a fine executioner. David, make sure we assist him as much as we can. Could you imagine if that limp-dick Layton was charged with guarding my interests in Canada? Don’t we have any dirt on that man?
Prime Minister Cameron: Our intelligence sources have been contacted. The voting stations with close NDP and Conservative support have had the voting machines reprogrammed. We are doing our best Mamm. Stephen has promised us a huge military presence in the Middle-East if he wins a majority.
Queen Elizabeth: David please call Harper and tell him he has the Queen’s greatest affection. Whatever steps he deems necessary to take, tell him he has my blessings and protection.
Prime Minister Cameron: By the way Mamm, our intelligence chief has asked that I give you the following message. Prince Christoff has demanded a meeting between himself, your Highness and Queen Beatrix. He is extremely upset with the pace of the global culling.
Queen Elizabeth: Very well David, tell Obama to escalate the Madrid Fault line catastrophe. You know, there is no appeasing that man.
Duke of York: But mommy, what about my friend. We were going to meet in Cyprus this weekend.
Queen Elizabeth: Andrew! I will not say it again. No Arab friends. Look at the problems Diana created. Stupid girl! Andrew, is there anything we can do to resolve the Sarah situation? I mean other than the usual.
Duke of York: No mommy. You know we leave those matters with father.
Queen Elizabeth: Inbreeding - Damn’it, it secures loyalty but I can’t believe the stupidity! Where is Phillip?
Prince Phillip: Yes Elizabeth, is it time for a stiff drink?
Queen Elizabeth: Listen Phillip, I have two morons wanting to follow in my footsteps. Tell Charles and William I don’t plan on dying anytime soon. I need those two idiots to act like royalty. Is it not enough that I agreed to that woman Camilla?
Prince Phillip: Oh Elizabeth, your knickers are in a knot! You know I have no plans on dying either. I’ll take care of what has to be done. Darling, how about a stiff drink followed by a stiffy?
Queen Elizabeth: Phillip, oh Phillip, you are the ultimate villain. Yes, let’s!