Thursday, May 14, 2020

Re-Runs

Re-Runs

With no new movie releases scheduled for theatre audiences, or new episodes of your favourite serials on television, the public’s entertainment barometer is doomed to reach new atmospheric lows. 

How long will the incubating public be doomed to watch re-runs? That will depend on how many beers you may have had the night before. The newest version of Seinfeld may in fact be a revised production of your previous night’s drunken stupor. Legalized weed can truly transform Hollywood into Hollyweed.

Most of us have been grazing on popcorn, carbs, chocolates and extra sugar-coated snacks. That’s a childhood re-run. Will the end occur when candy apples, roasted chestnuts and cotton candy make a come-back? With the CNE on ice, we may get a reprieve.

The thong lacks that vibrant snap, the bra hugs the breasts a little tighter, the belt is on its last notch and your feet feel damp in those ever tightening shoes. Perhaps you have not changed you mouldy socks in a week.

Rather than showering and shaving at least once a day, you now harvest a larger crop every week. The hair on your head appears to have come to life, and in fact, may have acquired a life of its own. Middle-aged men are watching reruns of their long-haired youth on 8mm films, while their grandkids are affixed to their iPads and iPhones, occasionally looking up and asking who the long-haired freak in the movie is.

Women never realized they had a stove, nor did they know what haggis was until everything they cooked turned into haggis. Singles are getting use to eating everything served in single-sized servings. Pets are confused by the constant attention and will likely suffer separation anxiety when the coronavirus is extinguished. So will the coronavirus for that matter.

The good news is that masturbation has made a comeback, and features constant re-runs. My assumption is that sexually transmitted diseases are on the decline because the masseuse is stuck inside her condominium tower, and John can’t leave the house.

E-dating is the newest reincarnation of the hand-written letter and photograph. Video chat provides this old re-run a much faster delivery. You can interview your mail order bride and assess her looks and long term prospects, without waiting for the ship to drop anchor. When coronavirus leaves my expectation is that relationships will find deeper meaning - no, not penetration. Singles may want to latch onto someone as soon as possible. They may not want to re-experience the "Home Alone" re-run.

We have gone "One Step Beyond" and entered the "Twilight Zone" with "The Good, Bad and the Ugly". Good luck.

Thank you,
Joseph Pede






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